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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real"

"My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt."

"What happened to the guy who ingested lead? It wasn't the lead that killed him, but rather the element of surprise."

"Question about storytelling. If I stand on stage, with four spotlights behind me, no matter how I tell the story, is everything I do going to be four - shadowed?"

"Your parents didn't even want you... You would have been a blowjob if your mom had change for that $20."

"What do you call a scientist that measures things in space? A cosmetrologist."

"3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!"

"""Give it to me!"" My girlfriend screamed. ""I'm so fucking wet right now!"" She could shout all she wanted. I wasn't handing over my umbrella."

"They were called Jumpolines until your Mom got on one."

"I should of studied harder in English."