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Joke of the Day

"My wife is fat. Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""

"Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions Me: *sweating* BP: They aren't even illegal"

"I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years. Do I look like I have a 2020 vision?"

"Feminist I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better."

"i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years"

"Recently girls have been mistaking me as British, It's because, honey, when I nut, ""Cheerio!"""

"What's the name of the Pokemon that causes birth defects? Zikachu"

"""I just threw up in my mouth a little."" - Cows"

"Anybody else miss a time when if you REALLY wanted to show a pop idol you loved them, you assassinated them? (ATTN Bieber fans)"

"Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, ""If I'm alive by then,"" and hang up."