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Joke of the Day

"Ever since I became a vampire I've been too ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror"

"I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!"

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? one's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean"

"Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion."

"What do women and fuses have in common? They blow when they get turned on."

"What is a Mexicans Favorite book? TE-QUILA MOCKINGBIRD!"

"Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans."

"Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car."

"My facebook homepage has become a sea of 'who the fuck is that?'"

"My wife and I are painting our house. I never knew there were so many greys. I hear there's a book about it. There's at least 50."