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Joke of the Day

"When is a door not a door? When it's a jar."

"I was kicked out for trying to have sex with a girl with down syndrome I wanted to lose my virginity to someone special."

"What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers? The feathers. The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 ""regular"" ounces. The more you know..."

"What's the difference between a monster and a mouse? A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board."

"If there were no bad parents there would be no good strip clubs."

"If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other... ... Would that be a third-world war?"

"A granny comes to see a doctor - and the doctor is a granny too."

"Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope"

"I'm not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick."

"Wrote a letter to Santa today because i don't want him to think that we only talk when i want something from him."