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Joke of the Day

"Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch."

"How do the Lannisters save money on new beds? They push Two twins together to make a King"

"Why can't a ghost get anyone pregnant? Because he has a hollow-weenie"

"Which female comedienne likes terrible punchlines? BaDum **Trish**."

"I went on a date with a girl called simile... But I don't know what I metaphor."

"Why did the cell phone need glasses? Because it ran out of contacts."

"Now that I'm 40, it's time to put aside childish things and be a man lol just kidding I'm drawing pictures of raccoons flying spaceships."

"My friend asked me if I ever missed the idea of being in the womb. I said ""The only thing I'd miss was my umbilical cord....."" I was very attached to it."

"What did the fat piece of shit say when he screwed up? Sorry that I screwed up **lards**."

"Muffins. So there are two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, ""Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?"" And the second one says, ""Holy shit, a talking muffin!"""