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Joke of the Day

"""911 what's your em-"" STAMPEDE ""slow down sir"" IN THE GORGE ""sir I'm gonna need you t-"" SIMBAS DOWN THERE"

"Why did the doctor kick his patients? He was trying to heel them."

"Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming ""LIE TO ME""!"

"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"

"Hitler wasn't that bad of a guy He was only doing what he thought was reich."

"I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old."

"Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?"

"A man and a boy are walking through a dark forest... The boy turns to the man and says ""Its dark, I'm scared."" The man replies with ""You're scared? I have to walk back through here on my own!"""

"wife: ""remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?"" me: [making cup of tea] ""no im not"" burglar: ""two sugars please"""

"I asked a Brazil fan how many days in a week and he got angry"