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Joke of the Day

"""The captain of the Titanic just checked into an iceberg on Foursquare with 2,224 other people."" - Twitter, 1912"

"Today is definitely a good day to be kissed but I'm going to sit inside and look at my phone because sometimes that feels like kissing too"

"Sometimes I just get tired of my new neighbors that I just want to strap a dildo on my head and anally rape them like a unicorn."

"""If you get me to the next station I promise I'll never let you fall below half a tank again"" - A Memoir"

"I just did my budget for June. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here."

"I like my coffee like I like my women... with a big cup size."

"Knock Knock. who's there? Netanya Netanya who? Yep... thanks Obama."

"Who's Microsoft's favorite musician? Adele"

"I told my paralyzed girlfriend I was leaving her... She couldn't stand to see me go..."

"All-Girls High School ""The number one most commonly used phrase in any all-girls high school is 'behind my back!' The second most common is 'right to my face!'"" - Celia Pacquola"