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Joke of the Day

"Interview Boss: What could you bring to this company? Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to."

"A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick... Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can't find a girl who can't blow a hundred dollars."

"I was going to make a joke about UDP... ...but I'm not sure if you will get it!"

"Him: You need to work on your communication skills Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC"

"On a positive note, women with full hour glass figures don't have to wear watches."

"My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & shit like that is why I'm never sober."

"I was so disappointed when I found out my ants were farming weed"

"What did Clint Eastwood say before firing up the ceramic bowl he made in pottery class? Go ahead, bake my clay. *walks away slowly*"

"What happens if you pee on Putin's head? Urine big trouble..."

"""are you drunk?"" - everyone's response when i send a nice text"