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Joke of the Day

"there there son *crouches down & wipes his tears* its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil-- YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911"

"Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am."

"My wife said she wanted to have sex like in the movies.. ..so I fucked her in the arse and came on her face and in her hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies."

"What is a ferret funeral? Serious business"

"The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH"

"What did the Chinese government say about the air pollution? Suck it up!"

"Did you hear about Jon Snow dropping his new Apple product? And now his watch has ended."

"Me and my recliner... We go way back."

"Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret."

"Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey? He didn't like getting nailed to the boards."