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Joke of the Day

"Who was the most important Knight of the Round Table? Sir Cumference."

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? He ate it before it was cool."

"When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what? We do."

"I said to the shoe salesman - I'd like to return these shoes... They've got holes in them! Shoe Salesman - Hmmmm yes, that certainly seems to be the Crocs of the matter."

"What did the bird say in gratitude? ""Thank"", then it cooed."

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into your girlfriend's ass"

"Roses are red, Violets are blue... I have Alzheimer's, Cheese on toast!"

"My dad is a blackjack dealer. He hit me until I was 21."

"The entire history of athletic competition boils down to ""Hey y'all watch this!"""

"When people tell me I'm intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back."