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Joke of the Day

"My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said ""I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help"". So I sent her a timetable."

"Some people say I dream too much, I say it's just because my life is better than their dreams are."

"What did the philosophically-wise Mongol general say to motivate himself? I'm not Immanuel Kant. I'm Genghis Kahn!"

"Having sex with children is fucking tight."

"I like my Jews like I like my subway... Toasted."

"Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute"

"Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee."

"The two most horrific words on the internet are ""Begin Slideshow."""

"Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler"

"I borrowed money from a pessimist because he doesn't expect me to pay him back"