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Joke of the Day

"I don't get why I have to wash my hands after masterbating. It's not like my dick's been anywhere. Edit: yeah I suck at spelling. And it's supposed to mean I never have sex"

"Quick! What's protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?"

"You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls."

"What is 6.9? Good sex interupted by a period"

"Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask ""What kind of meat is that?"" and they answer ""yes"""

"How do you get a woman to pick cotton?' Set her tampon string on fire."

"Adulthood is the moment you switch from taking the occasional drug to trip out, to taking the occasional drug to feel normal."

"A necktie and a hat are sitting on a coat rack.... The hat says, ""you can hang around if you want, but I'm gonna go on a head. """

"I used to have a phone with a really good user interface... ...but someone swiped it."

"My girlfriend came home yesterday.... She told me to take off her shirt. I obeyed. Then she told me to take off her skirt, so I said ""OK"". Then she told me to never wear her clothes again"