221420

Joke of the Day

"It's bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors"

"I'm glad Canada won. Beating them in hockey would like telling Yo-Yo Ma that the cello sucks. He's a nice dude, let him be into the cello."

"[walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids."

"""Sooth."" -a soothsayer"

"Liquid ASS Prank In Aunts Room"

"A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?' The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'"

"When I have children I'm gonna make them watch the movie ""2012"" and tell them I survived that. #awesome"

"I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers."

"Two cannibals were having lunch. ""Your wife makes a great soup"" said one to the other. ""Yes!"" agreed the first. ""But I'm going to miss her terribly."""

"""Good morning, this is your pilot speaking"" ... ""AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING"" ... ""and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing"""