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Joke of the Day

"An astrologer asks a lady if she wanted to know her husband's future... To which she replied, ""I decide his future, tell me about his past"""

"Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights? Because he was soda-pressing"

"How does a butcher introduce his wife? Meat patty!"

"Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves."

"I got kicked out of the hardware store today... It's my dad's fault. He told me to buy a black and deck her."

"No thanks, doctor's office that used to be a house."

"So I'm in Ikea.... ...and I ask the salesperson, ""Is this a finished desk?"" and she says, ""No, it's Swedish."" (edited to make more better)"

"Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too? #slapped"

"What did the lesbian vampires say to each other? Seeya next month!"

"Two skeletons open up a pasta resteraunt to serve the afterlife. What's the resteraunt called? The Bone Zone."