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Joke of the Day

"Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic."

"Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass."

"There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food."

"Puts an ""I love Daddy"" shirt on my kids until they're old enough to read."

"I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him"

"What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts."

"I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding. I like the show. And she's buried in the woods."

"A friend walked up to me while I was playing guitar and said ""Sick strat, bro"" I said ""Did you just assume my fender? you bigot?"""

"Whats the only fruit that can't run away to get married?? A Cantaloupe."

"What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings? If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this."