219938

Joke of the Day

"This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'."

"Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church..... They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too."

"ELI5 What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about? Ooops... wrong sub."

"'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker"

"Where do religious cattle go to eat? Out to pastor."

"Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again. Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up."

"M'lady, What is the most beautiful thing in the world? Is it your right thigh, or your left? Or does the answer lie somewhere in the middle?"

"#NoMore All of these NoMore commercials make me want to punch my wife"

"How to paint a live flamingo: 1. Get a live flamingo 2. Paint it"

"If things around you don't change, change the thing you're around."