219882

Joke of the Day

"Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language."

"I used to have a car that was made out of wood... The only problem was it woodn't go!"

"Jesus died for our sins. But then he came back to life. Pretty sure that breaks the deal."

"When my Dad passes, I will get a tattoo of him looking down at me from Heaven, disapproving of me getting a tattoo to commemorate him."

"Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty."

"A 40 year old man goes to buy a car.... and all he can afford is a base model civic."

"Cop: you're under arrest Me: no you are *cop arrests me* Me: fine but next time it's my turn"

"What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!"

"If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?"

"I asked my dog if he'd ever heard of Pavlov He said, ""I can't say for sure, but the name rings a bell."""