219851

Joke of the Day

"[meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?"

"My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."

"Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works."

"Me: A wise man once said... Wife: STOP QUOTING YOURSELF!"

"7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon. Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think."

"Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I am still working on it."

"Lactose intolerance stems from lactose IGNORANCE"

"Just went to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas I can't believe the currant exchange rate."

"If burglars broke into my apt, they'd look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says 'get yourself some shit!'"

"Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does."