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Joke of the Day

"I asked my girlfriend for directions while she was giving me head she looked up and said..""You need to get off in 2 kilometers"""

"Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."

"[waking up as an adult] What a beautiful day. I wonder what parts of my body will hurt today"

"My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can."

"If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed."

"I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant a transmission problem rather than repossession problem."

"*knock knock* ""Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately"" ""But I'm having a poo"" ""We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"""

"""What a nice doggie."" ""I'll have you know it's not a doggie but a pure bred."" ""YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!"""

"Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes."

"What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate BAA"