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Joke of the Day

"How do you weight a fish? With a scale."

"My plan if there is a draft: Put a coat on."

"Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? ""Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?"""

"Nice shoes. Where'd you get them? Him: ... *peeks under bathroom stall* Did you hear me?"

"TIFU by firing a torpedo at an ally submarine Whoops, wrong sub."

"I just got the biggest idea for a joke! Then I realized it was my dick. No seriously check this one out: ""I dont want to sound like an asshole, but ppfdrtrrtrt *fartnoises*"""

"If you're reading this.. then you are not Floyd Mayweather."

"What keeps fish from flying of Niagara Falls? They don't have a pilots license."

"A funeral procession led by a woman and her pit bull. There are TWO hearses. ""The Widow"" by Katy Franco [Joke-A-Tini]. Funny and fun to watch. http://youtu.be/2B7Acry2pms"

"I have a roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other."