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Joke of the Day

"Before you have kids, practice yelling ""GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!"" & see if it's right for you."

"Charles Dickins walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says, Olive or Twist?"

"If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate"

"[at gym] Him: How much do you bench? Me: Way less than I couch."

"We've had the selfie and now the selfie stick. So when will our phones be renamed Selfones."

"What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again? Au nevoir."

"So I decided to finally try one of those vegan stores It might have been the single most disappointing experience of my life they didn't have a single vegan for me to purchase"

"What is a tampon's favorite food? Scrambled egg"

"A sadist and a masochist meet The masochist starts pleading, ""Hit me! Please hit me!"" The sadist looks at him, smiles, and calmly replies, ""No."""

"What was the Jewish child doing on the chimney? He was waiting for his parents."