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Joke of the Day

"me: [seductively ignores and stays away from you to let you know i'm into you]"

"The coffee in my cup is rippling. With all my experiences in the past this means that a dinosaur is coming my way.....Shit."

"What do you call a guy with diarrhea who just had his father committed to the insane asylum? A crap happy chappy with a slap happy pappy."

"Did you hear the CEO of Twitter got in trouble for buying shares of rival companies? I guess it was a conflict of Pinterest."

"Weezer first to rustle jimmies? Say it aint so | ... (hint 1:06)"

"How will Donald Trump decide which ones to deport? By separating the good Juans from the bad Juans!"

"""IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE ""THE ROCK"" JOHNSON"" *the rock beats chest* AND IN THIS CORNER... RYAN ""PAPER"" WALLACE *the rock is visibly nervous*"

"What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell? Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a /r/til post by /u/laurelwraith"

"""So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?"" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* ""I'm a people person."""

"Why do divers fall out of the boat backwards? Because if they went forward they would still be in the boat."