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Joke of the Day

"The 11th commandment was, ""Talk shit, get hit"" but God totally didn't have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah."

"2016 is like... A 30 second ad on YouTube that you can't skip"

"You know who I hate the most? Indian givers. No wait, I take that back."

"Sperm is the best glue Have you ever seen a human being falling apart?"

"Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day... Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince."

"I don't understand why ISIS is such a big deal. All we have to do is parachute in Chuck Norris, and within a month they will all be dead... It can't be done faster since he fights with his bare hands."

"Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him."

"We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not."

"What's the difference between Rob Ford and a circus sideshow freak? One's a fat, ugly, disturbing waste of money. The other's married to a bearded lady."

"To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn't tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It's on!!"