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Joke of the Day

"This new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut."

"Never borrow money from a zombie: they almost always want to be paid back in brains"

"If you're nervous about speaking in public just imagine everyone holding a meatball sub. Even if you're not nervous picture it. It's amazing"

"Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her."

"Justin Bieber is going to Hillsong Church conference. We'll see if they make a believer out of him or if he make Beliebers out of them."

"My favorite thing about parties at an unknown house is definitely having to dry my hands in the bathroom with a stranger's wet bath towel"

"ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon"

"When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know... to send a message."

"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way."