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Joke of the Day

"It's so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house"

"I saw my buddy Barry Goldstein at the casino the other night. It was very un-jew-sual."

"Kim Kardashian getting 6 million dollars stolen is a lot like if I got the condom that's been in my wallet since I was 12 stolen... Am I gonna miss it? Yeah. Was I gonna use it? No."

"If the universe was a person, s/ he would have a pretty flashy personality. Because s/ he starts everything with a big bang"

"The most disturbing thing about fossil fuels is when Larry King pisses into his gas tank and drives off."

"I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it."

"I brought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday You should have seen her face light up when she opened it."

"When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying"

"I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee."

"How does Moses make beer? Hebrews!"