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Joke of the Day

"When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying"

"What do you call an Penguin with dandruff? Frosted Flakes"

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay $60 to have a garbanzo bean on my face!"

"I get my exercise by running and jumping over the light beam before my garage door closes on me."

"Why does it take more than a million sperms to fertilize one egg? 1) Female Ego... Rejection without Reason! 2) Male Ego... Won't Ask For Directions!"

"Honey, does the baby do parkour? ""No"" she says. He replies ""then he fell out the window""."

"i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier"

"How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? They look at your feet instead of theirs."

"Your porn name is your first pet and the street you grew up on? So my porn name is Glenn Beck? Fuck that shit!"

"4pm Me: How was school today? Kid: ... 6pm Me: Do anything fun today? Kid: ... Bedtime Me: Goodnight! Kid: Guess what happened at school?"