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Joke of the Day

"When I was a kid, my grandfather told me his teeth are like the stars... ...they come out at night."

"""On my way"" I said, pretending to drive my bed."

"To do: 1. Read one book. 2. Ask someone if they've read that book. 3. Act incredulous when they say no."

"Did you hear that Willy Nelson died? He was singing on the road again."

"What do vegan zombies eat? ~Graaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnsssssss"

"I hold the U.S. indoor record for waiting in the house until my neighbors go back inside."

"Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, ""Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."""

"The most important thing about telling a joke is timing"

"Bomb squads must love Daylight Savings Time because of the extra hour they get before the bomb explodes."

"I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes."