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Joke of the Day

"a boy died in a microwave while playing hide and seek...silly kids these days pretending to be hot pockets"

"Man insisted on pumping my gas. Didn't turn into an euphemism until he squirted all over the side of my car & asked if that's how I like it."

"What do you call a penis potato? A dictator!"

"Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago He's never looked back"

"One time, I broke my iPhone and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person I don't like to talk about it"

"What do you call a gangster Hobbit? Yolo Swaggins"

"FBI responds to increased number of botched investigations resulting in civilian casualties By adding a new definition for ""botched"" to urban dictionary; successful"

"how many pop punkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? five, one to drop it and four to two step and PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!"

"What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Beat the fuck out of her so it doesn't happen again."

"Did you hear about the eagle that performed a piano concerto? The applause was quite raptor-ous!"