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Joke of the Day

"I bet a zombie would be really, really disappointed to find out a ""brainstorm"" is not really a storm of brains."

"I bet every time Beyonce leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair"

"This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of ""Cats"" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer."

"Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep but once a month it's shark week."

"[Heaven] Me: What happened? God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus. Me: I only have one ques- God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude."

"I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating."

"*sees a fly* ahhh *trying to swat fly* nooo *gives up* well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol FLY: *hands me a tiny check* ME: wat the"

"Just saw a bumper sticker that said ""I'd rather be tweeting."" It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch."

"I have a weird fungal infection on my foot... I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me."

"I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head"