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Joke of the Day

"Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic."

"What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you while giving you a handjob? I'm not Willie Nelson"

"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust."

"Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK."

"I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey... But I turned myself around"

"""What are you doing here?"" I just got fired from the circus ""Oh my"" Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond"

"What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside? A hot dog."

"95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics."

"If I hit a baseball and it rolled under the fence and was eaten by a pig, what would it be called as? An inside the pork home-run."

"Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks? A bow."