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Joke of the Day

"I'm eating for six, according to the serving size on every single package of everything ever."

"My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend. But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences."

"Women who live in glass houses shouldn't complain about the glass ceiling"

"What do you name a dog with no legs? It doesn't really matter, he isn't going to Heel anytime soon."

"Nothing's labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric. ~ Alice's Yelp review of Wonderland"

"Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies"

"What's a similarity between Old Navy and Jerry Sandusky... Both of their pants are half off"

"What do you call a Bull that masturbates? Beef Stroganoff"

"People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier."

"So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper 'please delete my internet history' into any hole on the computer"