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Joke of the Day

"probably the worst thing you could do to an old person is force them to watch you tear up a bunch of coupons"

"Bert walks up to Ernie and asks, ""Ernie, you want some ice cream?"" Ernie says, ""Sure, Bert!"""

"I know sitting down to pee makes me less manly but I stand up to poop so it all pretty much evens out."

"[interrupts co-worker] actually I don't feel like talking to you"

"if you want a woman to settle down with you be a cat"

"How long does it take for a black woman to take the trash out? 9 months"

"Why do Mexicans like spicy food? It induces labor."

"You know how some people make food exactly as it appears on the cookbook? I guess you could say they made copy and pasta."

"A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not. He's eggnogstic."

"Hitler was quite thirsty... i hear he downed 6 million gallons of jewce"