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Joke of the Day

"Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across."

Next Joke
 
"Those novelty New Years glasses look so stupid. So I wear glasses that say ""Yesterday"" because it makes me wise beyond my years."
"""Wanna go camping?"" ""No thanks, I have a house."""
"[in the woods] Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap* Deer: I have a boyfriend"
"I became a father late last night. Reddit, what are your best dad jokes?"
"In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues."
"My friend would be alive today... if we knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. >""Am I going to live?"" >""I don't know."" >""Read faster!"""
"GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness Me: Wait. . . wh-what? GF: I'm pregnant Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?"
"19 and 20 got into a fight... Now they're facing 123 years on disturbing the peace."
"What do you call group of mentally handicapped kids at a performance of ""Peter Pan""? Slow Children At Play"