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Joke of the Day

"Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator... I'm taking this shit to a whole new level."

"""Video games are art,"" I say as I change my created Madden player Todd Poopman's height to 6'9""."

"Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally."

"Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course."

"Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use"

"I can't tell if I'm going bald... or if it's all in my head."

"A day in the life of a dick A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him on a daily basis."

"What's something white people can call other white people but black people can't call other black people? Dad."

"Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive? Because they don't come with a manual"

"Do you want to 68? You go down on me and I'll owe you one."