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Joke of the Day

"I've been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko"

"[interview at Bass Pro Shops] So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!"

"What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu? For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment."

"Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?"

"How many Southerners does it take to change a lightbulb? Change? Whatever do you mean, *change*?"

"Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row."

"If I were Stevie Wonder I would say ""I'll believe it when I see it"" in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off."

"I told my Jewish girlfriend I was going to stuff her in the oven Because she's my cutie pie!"

"When I'm pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they're mine I say 'no, they're for my collection' and run as fast as I can"

"Did you hear about the hippy that drowned at the beach? Apparently he was too far out."