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Joke of the Day

"An engineer went hunting... And found a set of tracks. He bent down to take a closer look and was run over by a train."

"COWORKER: I'm going to my friend's lake house this weekend for a party. ME: *lying* I also have friends."

"What do you call it when the lead singer of U2 fights with himself? Bono-y-Bono"

"*job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out"

"I had to ground my 8yo son for this one [NSFW] Son: Dad, why do you have to wrap a bunny in duct tape? Me: I don't know son, why? Son: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it! Me: Son: ( )"

"How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question: Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags."

"An atom asks another atom, Do these protons make my mass look big?"

"Why do men get erections while they sleep? So they don't accidentally roll out of bed."

"[job interview] ""What's your greatest weakness?"" Alcohol ""Umm ok, how about strengths?"" *pouring him a shot* Sharing"

"Stop with the phone sex You might get hearing aids"