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Joke of the Day

"Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack: Sad :| Happy :| Scared :| Excited :| Surprised :| Giving birth ;|"

"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef..."

"I used to be married to a girl with a wooden leg. But then I broke it off."

"The most Canadian thing I ever heard was a secondhand story about a guy getting his toe bit off by a beaver but not telling his date."

"How are ninjas and soft core porn alike? You never see them coming."

"What's the best part of having sex with twenty-six year olds? There's 20 of them!"

"Mummies might be scarier if they weren't called mummies. Brits call their Moms that. Suggestion: Psycho Rotting Corpse Wrapped In Gauze."

"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off."

"Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other... How do we drive this thing?"

"I got a pay rise in my job. At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there. I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint."