209717

Joke of the Day

"I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50."

"Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you."

"In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I touched them, a giant net fell on me. Damn booby trap."

"In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn't my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly."

"I'm probably 0 for 400 in looking for safes behind wall paintings"

"How many new states will America get when Trump is elected? One. Denial."

"You guys hear that Bono fell off the stage at the big U2 concert last night? He got a little too close to the edge."

"Pick out a dog at an animal shelter and everything's ok. Pick out a girlfriend at a woman's shelter and everyone loses their mind."

"HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately."

"There's only two things I hate in this world: intolerance... and the Portuguese."