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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me she's going to break up with me if I don't stop with these nosebleeds... So I tell her ""Hey, if you can find better tickets, YOU look for them!"""

Next Joke
 
"My wife asked me to go out and get something that makes her look pretty. So I went out and got drunk."
"Why do Canadians not pay attention to their local wildlife? Because there's nothing to care-aboot. (caribou)"
"How do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come."
"Tired of being fat and pasty? Put tanning bed lights in your refrigerator."
"A friend of mine just had a penis extension. And now his house looks really stupid. -Gary Delaney"
"I have a Love/hate relationship with slashes..."
"I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave ""quicker"""
"What do you call two crows sitting in a tree? Attempted murder."
"My analyst says I anthropomorphize... but It's only a problem when I do it to people."