209519

Joke of the Day

"[reading online survey] Are you ready to double your satisfaction? My god this sounds wildly inappropriate. *clicks yes*"

"Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow."

"Why aren't broken bones a problem in India? Everyone is already in a caste"

"I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race."

"delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES."

"The Hunger Games is like Soccer. Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand."

"First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No I'm dead on my feet."

"Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs"

"I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last. My current wife hates it when I talk like that."

"Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning? Because she has two faces."