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Joke of the Day

"Why are they called jokes? Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry."

"""At your cervix, m'lady"" - me as an OBGYN and also just me"

"It's called a ""Monte Cristo"" sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge"

"Whenever I see someone pick up an avocado, feel it, and put it back I pick up that same avocado and whisper ""you're still beautiful"" to it."

"*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage* *Buys Magic 8 Ball* *Whispers*, This is how we raise you now."

"My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg."

"""Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?"" ""Okay"" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* ""I love you mom"""

"I went through a Skrillex phase I had to stop though. It got expensive dropping everything all the time!"

"ATMs should have breathalyzers"

"A square, a triangle and a hexagon walk into a bar, the bartender says ""Looks like you boys could use a round"""