208028

Joke of the Day

"whats the difference between your sister and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it"

"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese!"

"Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged."

"It's sad that some of you need to berate others to feel better about yourselves. Idiots."

"[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] ""Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?"" ""No"" ""Didn't think so"""

"Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I'm having lunch behind the couch."

"What's the difference between fighting on the internet and participating in the paralympics? None, even if you win, you're still retarded."

"Son, when you were born I promised you that I would make sure that you would be a household name. So you see, that's why I named you Kleenex."

"I'm Torn on the Issue of Abortion.... On one hand, I support it because it is killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice. Credit goes where credit's due, /u/DJ-Salinger"

"[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would"