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Joke of the Day

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because he's a fucking creep"

"*CRASH* *THUMP* *SCREAM* *Husband runs into bedroom* H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY? Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra."

"I've decided that I'm going to start texting people back. That's it. That's the joke."

"Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral? he's not a mourning person"

"2 words can open up many doors in your life. Push and Pull"

"How do you feel when there is no coffee? Depresso"

"A woman walks into a brothel, slaps down a few hundred dollars, and exclaims, ""I want twelve inches, and I want them to hurt!"" So the doorman smacks her face with a ruler."

"Two candles wanted to get high... They lit up and got low instead. Happy 4/20!"

"Why should you never laugh at thieves in a car-accident? It could be your car"

"What's a bear without an ear? A b"