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Joke of the Day

"Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep"

"I'm Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children."

"He says I'm cute when I'm mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be."

"What does Ronald Reagan have that Jimmy Carter doesn't? A widow."

"Harry says to Hermione: ""Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?"" Hermione sarcastically responds: ""I don't know Harry... Magic?"" Harry: ""I folded it in half."""

"What do you call someone who just occasionally dabbles in a bit of Islamic fundamentalism? A Wahhobbyist."

"I once asked a friend what he would do if the world was going to end. He told me he would fuck anything that moves. He then asked me the same question. I told him I'd stand very very still."

"I wrote a book titled: How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword. All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!"

"I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire! My mix tape comes pre-installed on them."

"My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away"