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Joke of the Day

"Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep"

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"According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ."
"Two psychics bump into each other on the street... The first one says, ""You're fine, how am I?"""
"Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night."
"TIL that a baby can recognize its mother's heartbeat due to how much time they spent inside their mom I can also recognize your mom's heartbeat."
"God is a sock He saves your sole"
"Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this Me (being stabbed w/swords): I'm so sorry for getting blood on your swords"
"Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me."
"Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland? I'm not sure... but the flag's a big plus."