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Joke of the Day

"My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I'm 28 years old now and I'm still not a crime-fighting mermaid :("

"If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like: ""I'm not picking this up."""

"Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves"

"Whats the difference between me and my couch My couch pulls out"

"Have you heard of the new constipation movie? it hasn't come out yet."

"I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard."

"My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby."

"I have one trophy on reddit. Dust"

"What did Sushi A say to Sushi B WASSABI"

"To test my ability to emphasthize I tried to force myself to empathize with Brock Turner But if I learned anything from him it's that some things should never be forced"