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Joke of the Day

"Something good did come out of last night: I talked to my mom and my fiancee on the phone while they were crying- and it wasn't about something I'd done!"

"Some people get their friends to do their bidding by offering favors or compensation. I just threaten to throw their iPhones in the toilet."

"When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?"

"Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one."

"This fellow said to me 'You speak in a odd way, have you come from abroad?' To which I replied 'Steady on fellow, I would kindly ask you not to speak of my mother in such a fashion!'"

"You say I'm handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven't had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks."

"What's the downside to bigamy? More than one mother-in-law."

"I went to an Anglican church recently... They do communion a little bit differently there. You just walk up, kneel down, and the priest sticks it in your mouth."

"Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work"

"Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit One fly passes gas and the other looks at him, ""Come on man, I'm eating over here!"""