206419

Joke of the Day

"What do you call a /u/LegitLizard that can't move? A /u/LegitLizard with e_reptile_ dysfunction!"

"""Sir your resume says you can read minds."" ""Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a resume?'"" ""Oh. My. God. You're hired."""

"What do creationists and neutron stars have in common? Density"

"Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you."

"What does an elephant say, looking at a naked man ? You can't breathe from it"

"MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today? FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink! THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof! MOTHER PIG: What? THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language."

"There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by ""liking"" their grown children's facebook updates."

"I never question my sanity, I'm afraid it will answer back."

"The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth."

"Doctor: ""Hey, how are you?"" Patient: ""I am good"" Doctor: ""Ok. Next."""