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Joke of the Day

"Officer: You were speeding. Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic. O: There Is no traffic. M: I am really far behind."

"Do you know the problem with ordering duck? It always comes with the bill."

"i know a guy who loves saying ""best thing since sliced bread"" and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it"

"What's the best thing about the US economy being so bad? No telemarketers."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A boy scout comes home from camp"

"Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death."

"I lost ten pounds! Learn my hot diet secret! (I replaced booze with pot)"

"My grandmother would roll over. My grandmother would roll over in her trench if she knew how much I spent on her funeral."

"See someone you know in a store..... ""WHAT'S UP MAN!!"" Walk around and see them again..... Nod your head & slight wave See them a third time.... Avoid all eye contact."

"[mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no"