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Joke of the Day

"Just got the iPhone 7. It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months"

"My wife looks for signs I'm cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?"

"When the cashier asks, ""Paper or plastic"", I say, ""Plastic"", then use the bag to suffocate a bird in the parking lot while staring him down."

"The perfect Irish bean stew (In an Irish accent) Why does d' perfect Irish stew require exactly two hundred n' terty nine beans? Because if you added one more it'd be two farty."

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face."

"[NSFW]My uncle said I have the body of a seven year old... ...I told him to stay away from my freezer."

"Son: ""Hey, Dad! Can I have $20 for a blow job?"" Dad: ""I don't know, son. Are you any good?"""

"It's amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday. For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk."

"""Eat her already!"" - Animal watching people kissing"

"Listen up, guys Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose"