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Joke of the Day

"Customer: Why doesn't your menu list prices? Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food does."

"Have you heard what they say about luck? It could be raining pussy and I'd get slapped in the face with a sweaty dick."

"What did the cookie say to the cracker? You feeling salty bro?"

"Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says ""Say goodbye to your family"""

"What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso hahaha fuck you all"

"I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny"

"What's the worst thing about Michael Jackson teaching your kindergarten class? The smell. The man's been dead for 6 years."

"I wish I had taught my dog the command ""Taylor Swift"" so every time it snowed he would just ""Shake It Off."""

"""Relax. It's not a competition."" ""Right. That's what I say."" ""But I said it first."""

"What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There's 20 of them. (Works better in person)"